The Earth is hungry. Its heart throbs and demands cleansing. The Earth is also thirsty

10/11/2024

Ever since I was young, I had a certain lust for blood. Slitting my wrist not for the emotional aspect but simply to see myself bleed.

I have vivid fantasies about strangers and loved ones killing me. Not because I want to die but because I deserve to be hurt.

Sex has never been good enough for me. I Drifted afar from her wants and ran away. It never felt good, a constant reminder of all I am. Others sex dolls to play with. A constant reminder of those boys, men and other who decided that I was theirs for the night. Sexual attraction is there though. It's almost if I flip a switch sometimes. Becoming a disgusting, perverted fiend some nights and others, a scared, reclused little girl who remembers and feels those ghastly hands down her thighs.

21/11/2024

I relapsed for the first time in a while. I found out that my previous partner was admitted to the psych ward. I did not handle it well. I ripped open my flesh and spread my blood. Footprints of my rage covered the floor of my bathroom and the cries and screams of guilt. I spent half an hour cleaning the mess.

26/11/24

I am in a Scott Pilgrim situation once again sigh. Current person I am dating is wonderful and lovely but this other person is being too friendly and I frankly would like to have sex with them. Sigh. I feel bad about this but at the same time I don't? Person I am dating has stated that they don't want to be intimate and I respect that. But for myself, I need to be. It's importnant. I haven't had sex in months and quite frankly I'm going insane. This other person, I've been friends with for years and we have had an interesting friendship. Commonly joking about that stuff but lately whenever I joke about it, I'm being serious. It's a Ramona and Knives kind of thing. My Knives is easy to date after my previous relationshhips, and my Ramona is what I have been interested in sexually and every other way. Ugh.

The annoying thing is, I like both of them. I can't tell if I'm... Polyamorous or some retarded word like that. I hate labels so much. Why can't I just love whoever I want without having to feel any pressure on myself. I don't know what I'm Meant to do. This relationship is good and new and I really don't want to ruin anything between me and Knives. But at the same time I want to be close to Knives AND Ramona. Ugh. I have thought about bringing it up but I hate conflict with every vessel in me. I just... Don't want anything bad to happen.

27/11/24

Everytime I finish masturbating I start to cry. I can't tell if it's because I feel what I felt when he violated me or if it's because of the feeling of not knowing if Envy fucked me so often because I was everything she fantasized about and not for... Me. I did cry before I started having sex with her so maybe it's both. I just can't do it without seeing either Him, Envy or Ramona. It's fucking infuriating. Ramona I don't mind. Ramona I really don't mind. In fact, I would rather it. I feel like if I get active again it'll go away. That's what happened last time.

30/11/24

Okay, wow. I left knives. I'm with Ramona now. I'm frankly estatic. Already overwhelmed with joy with them. Other than infomation about that situation, I've been obsessed with animal crossing lately. it's insane, it doesnt look like my thing at all but alas, it is. Another thing is... I had a pretty... Intimate experience with ramona and I didn't feel bad about it at all. No crying after, no guilt, no nothing. It was amazing. I've never felt that good with others, let alone by myself.

2/12/24

Going to Ramona's house today. I've hyped myself up too much, I am terribly afraid. It's not like I havent done anything of the nature with anyone else but the fact that I care about Ramona and genuinely love them is that part that is a true hurdle. I don't clearly understand why my fear is so big though considering that. I have been listening to the playlists Ramona made me for days straight, barely listening to my own music. In my music lessons I've learnt a really good trick about using scales. Using scales is really jsut liek using a colour pallete. It's honestly crazy how much Life is Strange shaped me as a persoon. It took over my life like survivior's guilt. Gave me almost every passion and aspiration I've had since... I played it. Shaped my humour, my looks, my everything.